Self-worth

Hey it's Crysy,


I got a little upset the night before when I asked my friends out to meet them before I leave SG. I have such lovely groups of friends and I have been obsessively trying to reach out to everybody before I leave. 2 months is not a long time– there's only so many days I can squeeze to meet everybody. What I forget in this context is that, my friends, they all have their own lives to lead. After a few mismatched of scheduling, I got really dishearten. What made it worst was that their enthusiasm did not correspond to mine. I know how this sounds – incredibly and undesirably sensitive. You do not have to illustrate that in my ask.fm

Anyhow, since my mood's taken a little dipped yesternight, I stayed awhile longer at work and took the time to myself. I went to eat Aston's and have one entire bowl of bingsu on my own (yeah, I finished that). It was a luxury I felt that I deserve. Throughout my dinner date with myself, I kept asking one question: "What made me so important". What made me so important that I demand everybody to drop whatever they are doing just because I am leaving. Because I am funny? Because I feel like I am a great friend or was it because I feel like I have invested much in the friendships, I expect something in return? So then begs the question, if I did things only to expect reciprocations, do I really did it out of the goodwill of my heart? Do I really care about these friends?

I then realise, vested within me was an inflated sense of self-worth.


I feel important. Important enough to want friends to be excited about meeting me. And that's outrightly ridiculous. My distorted sense of reality made me unhappy. My perspective of how things should be made me sad. And this must go, because I like my happiness.





Nothing much to this post, just a documentation of thought-process, assessing why I react under certain circumstances and in general how to resolve it. Yesterday was a good night, I like to call nights like this, 'recalibration'.


Crysy out, catch you again!

Leaving SG + living habits

HEY THERE, I AM LEAVING SINGAPORE FOR AN ENTIRE YEAR.

Yes, I am. 

This is by far the most nerve-wrecking and mind-liberating decision I have ever made in my life. A difficult one no doubt, still in the midst of solidifying the process getting my VISA pass, and then I will be flown out to THE LAND FROM DOWN UNDER. I will be gone in 2.5 months tentatively, I honestly don't want to spend another new year's eve in Singapore. Anyhow, It was at one point of my life I remember sitting in the office at Paya Lebar Square looking at the planes flying by and thinking to myself that "there's an entire world out there, but here I am". So when the opportunity presented itself, I took it. It's funny how life works out somehow, when I am thinking about it and there comes an miraculous opportunity, bringing the right people into my life (the place I met one of them is HILARIOUS, share again next time). Everything somehow fits. Coincidence? I guess not, I am just too well taken care of. *insert thankfulness here*

I am visiting my grandparents/baby sister more frequently, and they all know I am leaving so such family quality time is so precious.

And since there's two month-ish time left for my pampered ass life here in SG and after visiting one of my friends whom lived alone.... IT REALLY GOT ME REFLECTING. I cannot keep up with my living habits if I want to survive OZ on my own?!?!?!?! I am lazy to my very core, I think it's a really bad habit. And to be frank, I believe I have the power to do so much more when I put my mind to it. I have been cutting out on exercising, not doing the laundry (which is disgustingly piling up btw,  but no worries, I just did a load, gonna do another tomorrow) and my eating habits? As much as I am very aesthetically driven, sometimes I just DO NOT fold my clothes, I chuck them somewhere. 

My GUY friend actually said this exact line to me: "I don't even want to imagine how messy your room is". As I visited said friend's place, I really felt so ashamed of myself. I should be thankful that he have yet to decide to unfriend me, honestly if I lived with him, he would unfriend my ass and kick me out. I thought so much about it, it made me negative nelly. Wanted to cringe at myself so bad, I want to just sit there and cry. Then again, it might be PMS. I have been controlling my emotions so good these days. *pats on the shoulder* 

okay, so first order of business: 

1. Laundry Scheduling  
2. House-keeping Scheduling 
3. Yoga + Dance Classes
4. Money-saving Habits 
5. Skincare Routines 

So these are a few things I am planning to work on. Hopefully by November, I am all good to go. If not, my friend over at Aussie might request SG to take me back because my LIFE IS FALLING APART. 

Crysy out, catch you in a bit. 

Documenting Mid-July

Hello, it's me! (Damn it, adele, you really ruined it for me) I have come to a realisation that this is my go-to silly face. Not too silly, but silly. I digress. Previously I mentioned about setting goals and attempting to achieve that and to be frank, I have done none of it. 

Instead, I made goals for 2017! 

I like how people make new year's resolution at the start of the year, and I start mid-year. Not to go into too much details, but it goes like: reading, more reading, more dancing, save monies and train flexibility/strength. 

Nothing too far-fetched, I hope. 

So far, I have only really been working on the training part. The rest... not so. Oops. 

But here's an uninteresting recap on July before it even ends! 

1. Nikki's coming of age, 

Haven't spoke to the girl for awhile, and I love everything about the party. May you forever be so blessed by God. 

2. Attempting Overwatch with Minz, 

...and failing terribly. Enjoyable nonetheless, minus the part whereby we were called out by the pro-gamers for pulling the team down. They were so rude, then again, I cuss behind the screens when I am on blackshot and a teamie is 'feeding'. Or you know.. getting no support from the entire team while on mobile legend, you get the drift. I will be better. 

3. Yayoi Kusama's exhibition with Rai, 

I wished I had more appreciation for art in different forms, but I just couldn't get out of the tradition paper, pencil, paintings etc. Also, not ideal if you are on the extreme side of trypophobia. I actually have a friend who is trypophobic, and I know she would die in this exhibition. I wish I was exaggerating. 

4. Losing a loved one, 

Never have I ever entertained a thought of being at a funeral of somebody you know your entire life. Sure, I have been to a funeral in the past, but never have I stood there grieving with everybody as a family. Glad to have all the family members together, comforting each other, drawing strength from each other. 

5. Being able to play the ukulele whilst singing, 

I played the ukulele almost everyday without fail and one day it just happened. I swore I could NEVER sing while playing, but the sheer miracle happened. I am super psyched about this one. Hoping to start learning a full song some day.

-- 

The rest of the events goes on as small meet-ups with everybody else here and there, sharing different insights of what life is, and how we all interpret it at this junction of our lives. Some people had it good, some people had it really bad. I have learnt many things from many people, each with different traits and beliefs. I also practise the art of keeping my mouth shut, haha. I am rather opinionated so this can be extremely toilsome. Some may argue that, since I am trying to 'find my voice', I should speak more. In actuality, when you just shut and listen, you'll learn more. You may not necessarily agree, but you understand. 

I also let people put whatever labels they wish on me. I remember going for a dance class and feeling crazily nervous. (Spins/pirouettes are the bane of my existence, and having an entire course on it meant that I am constantly out of comfort zone.) One of the student came up and to me and said, "you didn't practice righttttt?". I just smiled and carried out the routine. She didn't need to know the time invested. Some people just wants to be right, and that's fine by me. Of course, she didn't say that to hurt me, it was just a causal remark, but I didn't want to go through the usual "wah you don't know yesterday I keep doing this from 6-8pm blah blah blah". Saves quite a bit of energy haha. 

Then again, I have yet to perfect it so I might still be defensive. I'm still learning. On top of that, I also found myself minimizing the details of my personal life that I put online. I have formed a liking of keeping some memories personal. Somehow it became more sacred that way. While I still might brush through it, I let the details go. Maybe by doing so, less people will 'kaopeh' me on ask.fm hahah. 

Personally think I fared quite well this month in comparison of the past 6 months, yay to that baby steps! I hope I write again soon. 

x

Love, Crysy. 

Realignment

Hi, I haven’t written for the longest. I have no idea being sad and confused would take up so much of my energy/time. On the other hand, being rock bottom meant that the only way my life could swing was well, back up! The last time I wrote, it was Cocoa’s birthday. I spoke with such blanketed sadness, although it was a thank-you post, my vibe made my gratitude looks... sad. Ah, such was a time everything I touched withered. 

Yes, I do have that power. So do you, if you feel an emotion that intense. Such sombre thoughts, but these are not the reason why I am writing again. July is rollin’ in, and what is a better time then now to start my life afresh right? I am planning out mini personal goals for my month of July. Ironing out a few wrinkles here and there and get my life back.

Also, do you know how difficult it is to play a music instrument and sing at the same time? It is extremely so. To me at the very least! Kudos to all my nightingales.


I will come back with a well thought out goals for July so... till then, peeps!


x


Love, Crysy. 

Cocoa’s 9th Birthday

Yet another incredible year, I think for the past year, Cocoa has done many great things like sitting in the kitchen whilst I indulge in my sob-fest, leaning against me while I’m doing my make-up and kicking my face when I’m in deep slumber during my sleep-ins. 

She’s really obedient so its quite easy to get her to pose with her cake. 

But like any other human child, my fur baby is actually going through a phase of NOT wanting any pictures taken WITH me. 

yet she so cooly photobombs my selfies. 

Yet another annoying year that I cherish so much. Things would have taken much worst a turn if not for you. You don’t know how grateful to have you. Gratitude.