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Wednesday, August 27, 2014

Cocoa hates the idea of being cuddled to sleep, maybe it's suffocating to that little body, but occasionally she falls asleep in my arms, like she did now.

She slept for a minute or two. At that moment I wished somebody took a picture of her in slumber. It was adorable.

My lights were too dim for my i5's camera to function. I didn't turn off the lights, I haven't turn off the lights for a while now. And Cocoa just went back to her own bed to sleep.


Monday, August 25, 2014

it has always been about perspectives right?



She was acting all adorable.


I met him.
I finally did. I threw every problem in the world to the back of my head, we hugged and I held his hands. We left the residence with me almost running. The moment, that moment, I was glad I didn't try to end my life earlier. There was somebody still worth living for. I was so happy, and then the day ended. It was dark outside. 

I had to return.

I couldn't do it.
I cried, I wailed. Unreasonably and incoherently, I wailed.  I cannot remember what exactly happen, but I know I broke down every single false pretence I built up to conform to society's 'normal behaviour'. I was so sad it was painful. I could feel it in my spine, on my back, my stomach and my heart. It was tearing me apart. 

He watched while I screamed in pain into my pillow. He hugged me, really tightly. I was so close to him, I could hear him sniff. "It's the truth, believe me", I told him. 


With my eyes closed, my brain race back in time. 
"Your daddy doesn't even want you" 
"Your dad and I will not be together anymore" 
"I smoke because you give me a lot of unnecessary stress, I smoke because of YOU"  
"STOP asking if I love you, I am not going to answer you" 
"You are a monster" 
"You are no daughter of mine" 
"Get out of my house" 

I was calmer, a lot calmer. I opened my eyes and spoke in the most coherent way possible, "I want to die". He was strong, like the man I know he is. "No, you cannot, because I need you". He grab me up and hugged me for the longest time, "I love you". He pushed my hair back, away from my wet, sober face "it's okay, its going to be okay, you have me

I gave in to his words, I listened to his breathing and felt his warmth envelope me. 

It felt okay again. I didn't want anybody to see me, I didn't want him to leave me. So he let me tug along everywhere he went. He brought me to the cinema. Before reaching the cinema, I questioned him "Will you send me away to the mental institute?". He looked briefly at me and replied: "No, that's a horrible place. Even if I really have to, I will go there with you". It was very reassuring. So we rushed to get movie tickets and sneaked in a lot of snacks. He brought me home in a cab, kissed my forehead and we slept. 



It was almost noon the next day when I popped right into his bed and let him hug me before he would wake.

I am safe, now. I am safe and soon.. he will fetch me away from this place. I hate every thing in this place. I need a home, I need my home. 


Saturday, August 23, 2014


My dreams will come to past, because I am willing to get my hands dirty to achieve what I want. Some genes doesn't run in the blood, but that's okay. It's okay.   


Wednesday, August 20, 2014


A colleague told me I had everything easy because I am pretty. 
I wished I can have everything because people think I am pretty, that's not bad of a life to live. 

*Shows boobs*
*gets into local Uni* 

THEN AGAIN, if that's my life why am I still up, trying to study?! 

Some people are so careless with words because they think "being pretty" shouldn't be an insult, and their low self-esteem should compensate their loose tongue. YOU MEAN I DON'T TRY AT ALL?! Why the hell do I spend so many nights depressing over my education then? 

I'm not that angry though, because she called me pretty, so I'll take it as a compliment *push shades up non-existence nose bridge

Last day (2.1)

Tuesday, August 19, 2014

We talk a lot like boys, there were more "fuck you, can you not" than "I love you bb"
H says that's good. For some reason I liked you (+YM +YC) all more compared to all my other friends in TP. You all made me sappy. So full of shit, but that's fine, I liked it that way.


Monday, August 18, 2014

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His face changed when he saw my search history, 
I don't think he expect me to seek death. 

I didn't die in the end, 
but I don't think it mattered. 

He looked back at me and smiled like he didn't read it. 

I hate it. 

I hate how he avoid things,
I wished he told me how much it hurt him,
that it wasn't fair for him if I die. 

No, he is the 'perfect' boyfriend,
he never gets angry. 

So he brought me out under the sun,
hoping it remedies whatever that is broken inside me. 

I haven't had so much fun in weeks,
but I am still me, nothing was fixed.
I learnt in psychology that people always return to this fixed degree of happiness.
I think mine is permanently below par.  

Do you think it is unfair for me to cling on to Honwee for dear life when I'm in this state of uncertainty. 

If I die tomorrow, it will not be anybody's fault but mine.
It is not fair to him. 


Thursday, August 14, 2014

It was gloomy in the comforting kind of way. Like it's okay to not feel great, it is still something worth rejoicing over. I let the house stay in a mess because it's okay. Mess is okay. I tie up my oily hair the entire day, and ate only instant noodles and McD's. Today is my off day, I don't have to go out if I don't want to. I didn't go to school. I didn't even bother looking out of the window.

I just soaked myself head to toe in peace, I left my phone in the room and lay on my belly all day. It was my off day. I cheated a few times by going back to my phone and play my kardashian game. I couldn't make it to the A-list.

And I tried to re-do a few of my assignments before I hand them up tomorrow and get another C in my grade. Funny how I never got a grade below B in year 1 and now I'm receiving it like itcouldbeworst.

Hey, if this is a C work, I think it's pretty neat. Cocoa looks alive, more alive than I would have drawn her a few months ago.

So bottom line is,
I tried my best.

And if my best doesn't amount to anything.
Then I'll try even harder.
Until I die.
Even until then if I still don't achieve anything.
I'd argue with my creator.
I'd ask why he/she made me a loser.
Maybe I'll get an answer and will rest my soul.
Sounds like a plan.
That's if I don't kill myself first tho.


Wednesday, August 13, 2014

My hands, warm and sweaty while I hold my tool of destruction. Ice it, so it would hurt less. I stood by a minute or two applying ice to wherever would hurtWhen the ice dissolved into nothingness, I put my weapon against my skin, gently adding pressure to it. 

I couldn't do it. 

I needed a short, sweet and painless escape, but I couldn't do it. I need a gun, either that or balls of steel. 

Is it still a dream when its broken

Nothing feels worst than the death of your dreams. With every Bs, Cs and Ds I get in my results, I can feel my dream of attending a local university slip away. I worked so terribly hard for this. I really did. I sucked up all the those times my group mates chose to leave me out, or delay everything to the very last minute when really I could have just took charge and find a better way to do it.

None of those worked.

All I get in the end was many sleepless nights and lousy grade.
I tried my best, I really did.

Was it not mine to take? Was my relay in the education system forfeited since the start? What do I have to do?

P a r k

Tuesday, August 12, 2014

The breeze, the warmth and the mud. We are going to the park v e r y soon.

Don't judge a book by its cover

Monday, August 11, 2014

I love how literal this is. I had a tough time picking out books because I usually buy books with pretty covers. You need to put in effort on the exteriors too right?

Last week of school, I can feel euphoria bursting through my veins. No more Monday blues for a bit, I can do what I want, when I want to.

This feels good, so good.


Sunday, August 10, 2014

I bought my WP theme on impulse. Credit card sins.



Last week was such a horrible week, I thought about dying a lot. Not that I want to, it just seems.. promising. Fortunately or unfortunately, I was not depressed enough to put a blade on my skin, not when Ashley is coming. I needed to grow stronger, so I braved my week. 

I hate how everything turned within a few weeks. I haven't spoken to my mum in a month, it's by far the longest silent treatment we ever had. I told her I loved her. She didn't acknowledge, let alone reply. It hurts. 

I can run my hands through H's hair and I see no future, I hold his hands only to see another woman's face. And that hurts. He says its only temporary, and when I become more positive, I will see the light again. I doubted so, but he insisted on it anyway. 

It has been too destructive for me to take, and I only wish for baby Ashley to be here, so I can devote myself to my one true love. 

It haven't been good for awhile, can't you see? 

Academic blues

Monday, August 4, 2014



My semester is coming to an end, soon. F o u r more weeks to be exact, but I'm all ready for it. I know I am not going to do well this semester, but that's okay. I'll fight harder.