Top Social

Documenting Mid-July

Saturday, July 22, 2017

Hello, it's me! (Damn it, adele, you really ruined it for me) I have come to a realisation that this is my go-to silly face. Not too silly, but silly. I digress. Previously I mentioned about setting goals and attempting to achieve that and to be frank, I have done none of it. 

Instead, I made goals for 2017! 

I like how people make new year's resolution at the start of the year, and I start mid-year. Not to go into too much details, but it goes like: reading, more reading, more dancing, save monies and train flexibility/strength. 

Nothing too far-fetched, I hope. 

So far, I have only really been working on the training part. The rest... not so. Oops. 



But here's an uninteresting recap on July before it even ends! 

1. Nikki's coming of age, 


Haven't spoke to the girl for awhile, and I love everything about the party. May you forever be so blessed by God. 

2. Attempting Overwatch with Minz, 

...and failing terribly. Enjoyable nonetheless, minus the part whereby we were called out by the pro-gamers for pulling the team down. They were so rude, then again, I cuss behind the screens when I am on blackshot and a teamie is 'feeding'. Or you know.. getting no support from the entire team while on mobile legend, you get the drift. I will be better. 

3. Yayoi Kusama's exhibition with Rai, 





I wished I had more appreciation for art in different forms, but I just couldn't get out of the tradition paper, pencil, paintings etc. Also, not ideal if you are on the extreme side of trypophobia. I actually have a friend who is trypophobic, and I know she would die in this exhibition. I wish I was exaggerating. 

4. Losing a loved one, 

Never have I ever entertained a thought of being at a funeral of somebody you know your entire life. Sure, I have been to a funeral in the past, but never have I stood there grieving with everybody as a family. Glad to have all the family members together, comforting each other, drawing strength from each other. 

5. Being able to play the ukulele whilst singing, 

I played the ukulele almost everyday without fail and one day it just happened. I swore I could NEVER sing while playing, but the sheer miracle happened. I am super psyched about this one. Hoping to start learning a full song some day.

-- 


The rest of the events goes on as small meet-ups with everybody else here and there, sharing different insights of what life is, and how we all interpret it at this junction of our lives. Some people had it good, some people had it really bad. I have learnt many things from many people, each with different traits and beliefs. I also practise the art of keeping my mouth shut, haha. I am rather opinionated so this can be extremely toilsome. Some may argue that, since I am trying to 'find my voice', I should speak more. In actuality, when you just shut and listen, you'll learn more. You may not necessarily agree, but you understand. 

I also let people put whatever labels they wish on me. I remember going for a dance class and feeling crazily nervous. (Spins/pirouettes are the bane of my existence, and having an entire course on it meant that I am constantly out of comfort zone.) One of the student came up and to me and said, "you didn't practice righttttt?". I just smiled and carried out the routine. She didn't need to know the time invested. Some people just wants to be right, and that's fine by me. Of course, she didn't say that to hurt me, it was just a causal remark, but I didn't want to go through the usual "wah you don't know yesterday I keep doing this from 6-8pm blah blah blah". Saves quite a bit of energy haha. 

Then again, I have yet to perfect it so I might still be defensive. I'm still learning. On top of that, I also found myself minimizing the details of my personal life that I put online. I have formed a liking of keeping some memories personal. Somehow it became more sacred that way. While I still might brush through it, I let the details go. Maybe by doing so, less people will 'kaopeh' me on ask.fm hahah. 


Personally think I fared quite well this month in comparison of the past 6 months, yay to that baby steps! I hope I write again soon. 



x

Love, Crysy. 



Realignment

Monday, June 26, 2017


Hi, I haven’t written for the longest. I have no idea being sad and confused would take up so much of my energy/time. On the other hand, being rock bottom meant that the only way my life could swing was well, back up! The last time I wrote, it was Cocoa’s birthday. I spoke with such blanketed sadness, although it was a thank-you post, my vibe made my gratitude looks... sad. Ah, such was a time everything I touched withered. 

Yes, I do have that power. So do you, if you feel an emotion that intense. Such sombre thoughts, but these are not the reason why I am writing again. July is rollin’ in, and what is a better time then now to start my life afresh right? I am planning out mini personal goals for my month of July. Ironing out a few wrinkles here and there and get my life back.

Also, do you know how difficult it is to play a music instrument and sing at the same time? It is extremely so. To me at the very least! Kudos to all my nightingales.


I will come back with a well thought out goals for July so... till then, peeps!


x


Love, Crysy. 



Cocoa’s 9th Birthday

Friday, March 10, 2017

Yet another incredible year, I think for the past year, Cocoa has done many great things like sitting in the kitchen whilst I indulge in my sob-fest, leaning against me while I’m doing my make-up and kicking my face when I’m in deep slumber during my sleep-ins. 


She’s really obedient so its quite easy to get her to pose with her cake. 

But like any other human child, my fur baby is actually going through a phase of NOT wanting any pictures taken WITH me. 












yet she so cooly photobombs my selfies. 








Yet another annoying year that I cherish so much. Things would have taken much worst a turn if not for you. You don’t know how grateful to have you. Gratitude. 

Weight of words

Sunday, March 5, 2017
Dear H, I know you don’t ever care about me anymore, but I still hope that one day you will see this. I wouldn’t know if you did, but I will just assume that somehow it will reach your ears.

I haven’t written anything solid ever since 17th February, these hands work like magic when devastated. But writing.. writing breathes life to the whole ordeal. Writing makes everything a reality, a reality that I wasn’t ready to handle. Words always meant a grave deal to me, that’s why I like reading. That’s why in our days together, I made you write me letters. I loved reading them, and I know you know that because I often “um-chio” to your hilarious comedic love letters – something I will always keep in my heart.

It has been 16 days.

I just want you to know that the theory of “2-weeks” have proven itself to be untrue. You do not stop loving somebody within the span of 2 weeks. You don’t just stop loving somebody. It had sadly made me realise that I have never loved anybody until/after you. Tragically, your reactions towards everything have revealed to me that you were never in love with me. Not in the way, I had with you. I guessed I won the ‘I-love-you-more’ contest. You loved the idea of me. The chirpy, cheerful sexy girlfriend who gives you trouble but always had the puppy eyes to charm you back into loving arms. Once you opened your eyes and realise how much of a trouble I really am, you took off. You said to give time, time. That my best day might have yet to happen, but I stopped harbouring hope that things will get better. Maybe they never do. I do not care for things to be better anymore. I still hurt. I no longer shriek, but that doesn’t mean I am not in pain. Wounds are still fresh like it has only been inflicted yesterday. But that’s okay, please bear with me.

I kept going through the memories, the residues of what I had with you and now all I am left with are distorted visions of how great those three years were. Was the break up your fault or mine? Did I initiated it? I don’t think I did, because I remember you made me promise you to never talk about leaving, and dear how could I possibly do that to you? Then again, you also promised me that you will love and take care of me for life. Was it something I did? I can’t remember them now, the faded laughs and good memories we had are now nightmares that clung onto me every slumber I take. I see your face every night. One night, I dreamt you tried to kill me. And even in my dying time, I looked at you and can only feel love.

I held on so tightly to every single one of your words and promises, and honestly, that was what killed me. I trusted in the weight of your words, and it left me brutally shocked and wounded. You probably cared because of the person you are. You care out of default. Your last words to me were, “remember to take out your contacts”. And I thought that was the most ridiculous thing to say to somebody that you rejected in spite of her tearful pleas. You are a good person. Something I mumbled to my mother when she found me on the floor you returned me to. And she said, something along the lines of: “yes, he is a good man, and I loved him too. But the truth remains is that he does not love you anymore. If he can leave you here crying and in pain, then he is no longer the good man you know or love. And from this night, neither will my love be for him.”

Not that she bore any grudges against you. I believe to my mother, you’re still a good man who did what you had to. I believe she still love you. And I know every single ‘ruthless’ thing you did, you didn’t do it because you found me annoying. For all I cared, you would have just let it pass. You would have tolerated. But you did what you did so I could move on. That’s the nature of you. And for the pain you’ve inflicted on me, I just hope you know that I have long forgiven you. For the pain and trouble I rained on you, I wish you find heart somewhere to forgive me. I shouldn’t have reacted out of desperation. I became the demon I swore I’ll never be when I find myself cornered.

Remember I told you my biggest fear was drowning? I explained how I hated the feeling of struggling under water, like I couldn’t even grab something to channel that fight or flight adrenaline to. I hated the feeling of helplessness, I hated that feeling like I have succumb to some sort of fate when I wasn’t given a fair level to fight. And that night, that was it. Drowning. Watching you send me back home, like my dad after my parents got divorced really got me. It was like history repeating and I did everything I did to run away from that. I felt like I was drowning, that every organism in me were working against me. To suffocate me. I had to breathe. Sometimes the panic attack sends me in cold sweats. That fed the demon, the desperation. In my mind, it was all like “C’mon even S gets a second chance”, and we all share the same sentiments when it comes to her. Although, we were the last one to them. I was so desperate to have things work out. I was like a cornered beast scratching up a metal wall.

I wasn't breathing.

I sobered up in days to come, but I still have the destructive bile within me. I still believe that ceasing to exist would relief me. The only reason I have not do so is because I am a prisoner of love and kinship. My passing would not only destroy the ones I leave behind, but will also plague you eternally of guilt. Thus living was the only thing I could do for those who love/loved me. I yet draw breath so you and my family can find comfort in my existing. It still hurts, but I will get used to it. But if hurting is the only thing left that I can do for you, I will soldier on the pain for the rest of my life so you and everybody else can find peace and happiness.

Initially, I thought the way to cope with loneliness was to surround yourself with friends. Jam-pack my schedule with friends. However, thats like english medicine, it treats the symptoms and not the cause. Whenever the company’s gone, I still feel your grip on my hand. Something I am learning and trying to forget.

There are many alternatives, but for the next few weeks to come, I am trying to recoup from solitude – back to the place I was. Exploring fields and places alone on my bike like I did when I was a child. Remember those stories I told you, when I took my grandma’s bike and explored a small part of AMK? Maybe I should relive those moments again.

My mum says I am silly to think I will never fall in love again, but I feel that she’s the silly one. You can only truly love one person your entire life. Unconditionally, undoubtedly, love a person. We are mere mortals, we do not have the capacity to love so deeply twice. I might ‘love’ another, but that will never hit the silver of intensity I had for you. Even after all the things we went through, I just hope that you will be happy. I hope nobody will ever put you through this kind of pain. I hope when you’re done having fun, you’ll find a loving wife and have a loving family. One that loves your family as your family have loved me. I hope you find somebody who matches your quirk, your random farts and one that tolerate your leg-shaking and nose-digging. I always hate that, but really if you stopped doing that I would think that you’re no longer the H I know and love.

And I can go on, paragraphs and paragraphs, about how I feel and how I think our love is like. Sadly, the Z monsters have reported to get me to work. I hate it when I write incoherently, but thats okay, I don’t think anybody reads this place after I abandoned it.

Funny how social media was of paramount importance, and now that you’re gone, I don’t really care anymore.

Just One Yesterday,

Sunday, February 5, 2017


*hits replay all the damn time* 


TODAY IS BRAND NEW DAY, thundery showers in the morning had me sleeping like a baby and the new skies kept me bright and fluffy.... after a gazillion round of hysterical bawling. OKAY, I’m fluffy.




Morning visuals of fluffiness. Going for CNY gathering later, I am stoked!! More food, I am going there in red undies, see me rollin’ with them money. 


I WILL WRITE MORE. I WILL WRITE EVERY WHERE. I will write when I’m devastated, when I’m feeling fluffy. I will have visuals. I will document my life, and I will travel. Let’s all be happpppy. 


LOTS OF LOVE, CRYSY. 


Vulnerability

Saturday, February 4, 2017


Do you have any idea that even at 22, you are still just a child and you do not have to shoulder the entire weight of the world on your own?


I obviously don’t, my boss gathered a few things about me: 
  1. I absolutely detest crying in front of other people 
  2. I shut everybody out when I am sad 
  3. Basically, I just carry everything on my own shoulders 
I tried explaining the rationale behind the things I do, but I understand where she’s coming from. As insignificant as it seems, it is a concerning issue. She asked me a few questions that I couldn’t answer. 

“Why is crying in front of people bad?” 
“Does solitude really help?” 

On my birthday, my father unintentionally tore down my ‘I-am-okay’ facade right down to its roots. Although he hasn’t seen me cry in years, he’s natural instincts were to cradle me tight whilst I very silently tear. He bombarded me incoherently with advises from career, to life, to love, not knowing which was the cause of his strong, independent daughter’s tears. My refusal to speak did nothing to aid him. I shut him out. And then he told me in mandarin, “seeing you like this really breaks my heart”. I continued crying. 

Now, a few days later (and stronger), it really made me think... my inability to handle my pain cast a lot of people out of my life. Not only did I shut them out, I push and threw them away regardless of what they think. I hurt people. And like I always say, “your intentions don’t matter, if you have hurt people, you hurt them. You don’t have the rights to say that you didn’t”. 



Throes

Saturday, January 7, 2017



Please don’t say another “Happy Birthday”, I cannot handle it.