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Bluez

Monday, March 31, 2014

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Monday bluezsx hitting me so bad right now, initially I thought I would breeze this week, because I was promised a job as of this week *glares. Well, while that is not happening, I went to find more part-time jobs, which I woke up early and get myself cleaned up for. It took merely 5 minutes to complete some mandatory form which is usually met with "our manager will contact you in a few days.... or weeks." Read: NO JOB FOR YOU HERE, BABE

On top of that, I haven't seen my mum much lately?! I texted her and demand her of her location this morning. She replied "at the doc's", well that is some exclusive doctor because it is almost 6:30PM now and don't you miss your daughter, OR AT LEAST MISS COCOA. *pout. 

My exercise schedule starts tomorrow + wednesday, which I will not procrastinate and skip. So, here I am sad, alone and ignored by my one and only pal (cocoa). To adapt to the state of nothingness, I finished H's B&J. It is really strange because I never liked ice-creams. Times like these makes me wonder, why the need to have so much friends when you feel that you can't turn to anyone of them. Or maybe it's me. Maybe I isolated myself too much in order to spend every breathing moment with Honwee. #notetoself #wedefinitelyneedspace #wellwefinallyhavespace #butiamnotsurvivingatall #whyah #doisuck

 

Since today already suck so bad, I think I am deserving of everything I love. I am going to play blackshot for hours, go home and eat my favourite sashimi then wait for my favourite time of the day - Honwee's 'secure' time. 

I hate how H is being cut off from the outside world yet he is the one teaching me new things every weekend. H is a very protective bf, not to the point he dictates my every move, rather he is somebody whom would bite his tongue and watch me get hurt if I chose to. He is the kind of parent I want to be. And the remarkable thing is that, he is an extremely sheltered child. My life is series of drama to him. He would say, "I thought people only do that in the movies".  

H has always been the "bigger man", or at least he taught me to be.

 

Recruit Koh instructed his civilian (sadly, me) that lights out is at 1am. SO.... *abrupt end.  

Dark side

Saturday, March 29, 2014
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I just realised my mum's weird obsession with animal prints. And, I finally got to breathe. Fetch the little baldy home, and he fell asleep on my bed almost immediately after he showered (must be the air condition)! When Honwee woke up, I fed him his favourite B&J ice-cream, one durian puff and a bowl of (instant, lol) soup before he zonked out yet again on my bed only to wake up and mumbled the same sentence over and over again, "how do you even wake up in the morning".  Army has proved to be exhausting although it is reasonably progressive.  //  I made a very important decision this week to tell Honwee about what a person I truly am, all the mistakes I've made, big or small. And asked if he would still love me as I am. I was prepping for Honwee to abandon me and find an angel so much more adoring than I can ever be. It feels so much like Kelly Clarkson's 'Dark Side'. I was scared. So scared and ashamed.

 

Fortunately he was more than willing to accept me because if "nine months into the relationship, your past didn't affect us, it never will." 
There and then, I lived again.

ignore me, please

Thursday, March 27, 2014
Sigh, I am a very horrible person. Used to be horrible, still am horrible. I always feel that I would never commit another mistake again because it felt so long since I last regretted doing something. Today is a solid prove that I am no help to another person and should just mind my own business. I love my friends, I really do, however I feel that the more I say/do, the more I harm my friends. Maybe if I wasn't such a nosey, and nonsense-blabbering friend there will be peace. I feel so utterly disappointed and disgusted with myself. So afraid that whatever I do next might hurt somebody else. I really hope Honwee can be here tonight, so he can hold me until everything seems okay. I'm sincerely apologetic to whatever nonsense I've caused, it is my fault. I guess isolation is for me after all, I'm not worthy of hanging out with people and harm them. I think a good note to myself is to.... think thrice before I speak.

Sports

Wednesday, March 26, 2014
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Went down to NUS (how gorgeous can a campus get!) to catch SP's handball match against SMU. The intensity of the game really shook the athletic adrenaline back into me. I was never good during games, in fact I always get benched despite of my god-given height *pout. I stopped going for trainings after poly life took over me - projects, school mates and etcetera. Today made me realise just how much I miss sports, trainings and all the little tricks my coach taught me to be better. I guess I am going back for training next week. :) Till then.
Sunday, March 23, 2014
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Update for the wee-natics:
His hair grew a bit longer compared to 2 weeks ago, it is really soft and everybody is asking for permission to feel his head. I am especially fond of it, but little Rayray says that "honwee is more stupid now because his head is smaller". He did become a little slow, in his defence however, he said "you have to be stupid if not you will think that army is stupid". I guess he is having the time of his life in camp because there is just so much pride being in NDU.

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Being away for 12 days is probably the longest time we have ever been separated from each other. Needless to say, I was thrilled about his homecoming. Went down to fetch my recruit from discovery centre but I was not suppose to hold his hand T_T or whatsoever. Spent the next two days at Honwee's place to celebrate his birthday with his family, or to have dinner. Only then I realised how much I miss his family because everybody is so giving, friendly, happy and there is always an occasion to take pictures. Asked Honwee to get his family to watch 'Divergent' with me, hehe. However poor boy dozed off a couple of time because 11pm is way after his lights out time.

This morning we spent two hours knocked out on my couch, only to be found and laughed at by my mum. -__- It's not my fault that his morning starts at 530am and mine at 2pm right.

Indeed it was an amazing weekend! Goodnight guys :>

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Wait

Wednesday, March 19, 2014
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Some nights I play my favourite playlist and just lay here and wait. I don't know what I am waiting for, to be tired or to be free? I don't know. Cocoa is occupying my usual legs space on the bed like she always does when mummy is not around. I wonder if she loves me at all, because it's getting uncomfortable although her fur keeps my toes warm. I don't really want my nail to drop off, although I know it will, because it is "not pretty" and I am partly amazed by the colours on it. Or maybe, in it. I don't know which is which.

I spent a day (ok, half) with Claudia today. She is so talkative, I like that. She talked a lot about food, traveling and trying out new stuff. She even mentioned bungee jumping. I think she is crazy, a good kind of crazy. Feels really good to spend time with her again, how I wish everybody can be as talkative as her because I like to talk too. Although my topics are kinda restricted to Honwee only, sorry but not sorry, it's not my fault he is so fun to hang out with that I hung out with him most of my days for nearly two years.

I think I want to sleep now, then again. I should probably grab some food because I haven't had any. For a day. I don't want to be aneroxic. All girls need curves.

koda far king line

Monday, March 17, 2014
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LE7KVkm_YFU

I F(ARMY LANGUAGE)KING LOVE KODALINE. LOVE THEM SO MUCH IT'S AGGRESIVE, AHH.

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Too cute to be a pie, so she became a dog. I can't stop myself from hugging and kissing her, how!

flavour

Sunday, March 16, 2014
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Well, it rained today (thank god), so I didn't get off bed until 1pm? And mzeeh decided to join me after I told her what I was going to do. So we did not reach our destination until 6-ish pm. *insert really sad facial expressions*

It was a lot lesser than an adventure because I was so busy making sure my mum is fine, weather is not too hot, watching out for cars and listening to her rant about r/s. I am a very happy girl without much r/s issue other than the fact that I have not seen my bf for the past week *insert sadder facial expressions here* but I saw an adorable mini cooper, couldn't help but take a picture with it!! #step #easilydistracted #easilyentertained

Let's go

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I was ferociously typing up an angry entry about self-entitle people (maybe another time, I guess) when Honwee called and melt this 175/6/7cm women right to her toes. I didn't have any stories to share with him because all I did was sprawled all over the couch/bed at home. It didn't make me really happy, but I couldn't find a bone in me to get up. I broke my promise to bring my dog out, even my mother couldn't handle me any longer, so she walked the poor furbz on her own. I guess today will be a very good day to abandon my oh-so-paiseh mentality and head out to walk, not like I've never done it before

I've already decided on three places to head to, and will bring along the camera. I am going to be the tourist of my country! Very excited and inspired about taking pictures while on the road. Looks like wordpress is going to bombarded by updates, hue hue, ok I need to stop that, it's not cute. 

 

ta-ta. 

 

 

so much time leh seriously

Saturday, March 15, 2014


The thing amazing about time is that, it keeps moving forward.

So when you feel like you are in hell, know that soon, soon enough it will be over. #totallyunrelatedcaption

 

 

sidenote: I kinda want to dye my hair again but...... black is so sexy. KBAI.

Shit I wished my father would say to me

Friday, March 14, 2014

Dear Cutie-Pie,

Recently, your mother and I were searching for an answer on Google. Halfway through entering the question, Google returned a list of the most popular searches in the world. Perched at the top of the list was “How to keep him interested.”

It startled me. I scanned several of the countless articles about how to be sexy and sexual, when to bring him a beer versus a sandwich, and the ways to make him feel smart and superior.

And I got angry.

Little One, it is not, has never been, and never will be your job to “keep him interested.”

Little One, your only task is to know deeply in your soul—in that unshakeable place that isn’t rattled by rejection and loss and ego—that you are worthy of interest. (If you can remember that everyone else is worthy of interest also, the battle of your life will be mostly won. But that is a letter for another day.)

If you can trust your worth in this way, you will be attractive in the most important sense of the word: you will attract a boy who is both capable of interest and who wants to spend his one life investing all of his interest in you.

Little One, I want to tell you about the boy who doesn’t need to be keptinterested, because he knows you are interesting:

I don’t care if he puts his elbows on the dinner table—as long as he puts his eyes on the way your nose scrunches when you smile. And then can’t stop looking.

I don’t care if he can’t play a bit of golf with me—as long as he can play with the children you give him and revel in all the glorious and frustrating ways they are just like you.

I don’t care if he doesn’t follow his wallet—as long as he follows his heart and it always leads him back to you.

I don’t care if he is strong—as long as he gives you the space to exercise the strength that is in your heart.

I couldn’t care less how he votes—as long as he wakes up every morning and daily elects you to a place of honor in your home and a place of reverence in his heart.

I don’t care about the color of his skin—as long as he paints the canvas of your lives with brushstrokes of patience, and sacrifice, and vulnerability, and tenderness.

I don’t care if he was raised in this religion or that religion or no religion—as long as he was raised to value the sacred and to know every moment of life, and every moment of life with you, is deeply sacred.

In the end, Little One, if you stumble across a man like that and he and I have nothing else in common, we will have the most important thing in common:

You.

Because in the end, Little One, the only thing you should have to do to “keep him interested” is to be you.

Your eternally interested guy,

Daddy

Promise to be happy?

I think people whom are leaving and tells you to "be happy" without them are damn selfish. "Promise me, you'll be happy", damn friggin selfish. You can be dying or just met somebody better but don't rob me of my chance to sad, to be miserable for awhile to cope with this loss. It's my prerogative.

I know some people just meant well, but it's damn.... ruthless and cruel. I can't feel any sadness just so you can feel better? 

 

Initially when my parents divorced, my father would pick me up once in a blue moon to go out. Theme park or wtv, when we had our fun, he would send me back. I, being really young then, usually cried for a long while before I allow him to send me up. Most of the time he would tell me "I buy you something you cannot cry anymore ok?" to pacify me. Most of the time I obliged because I know he needs to be home too. BUT THATS JUST SAD. Daddy, am I not allowed to miss you? (p/s: my relationship with my father is perfectly fine, just stating an example

 

Thankfully, Honwee never did that with me, I always told him that I should be allowed to feel what I feel because I am but only human. When he was leaving for army, he suggested buying me a plushie so I can hug it when I miss him. I told him, that I would still cry with or without that plushie that it's not going to stop me from missing him. He didn't change his gentle smile, he simply replied "ya, but you can hug the plushie and cry". 

I think he made it better, because I had two full days to mull about the absences of my beloved bf by the third day I'm totally out of my cave. By the fourth day, which is today, I went out and meet-up old friends for steamboat. I still miss him, but I am not upset about it anymore. If I were told to not be sad, I think I would at least need a week because suppressing such emotion takes up a lot of my energy and it would probably push me into a dangerous state of mind. 

 

I don't really know how to conclude such entry, so I am going to leave it as it is and you decide for yourself if it is truly selfish or not. 

 

 

Home

Wednesday, March 12, 2014
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It has been really hazy lately, and although it might not necessarily healthy but everywhere I go, every corner I lay my eyes on has the hint of history and art. Kind of like vintage coming back alive, maybe its the mist, maybe its the weather, I have yet to decide which has a greater impact on such magnificent view. I stopped talking to people, not because they are annoying, I just prefer solitude. Prefer to feel how I feel without having to 'be strong'. I'd love to hang out with somebody who is as sentimental as me. Thinking of travelling out to Tiong Bahru myself, but too lazy to bones (or fats) to move my really big butt. I update dayre really often now because I have nothing better to do, and I take pictures a lot - thanks to the haze. Well, you can follow me if you have nothing better to do too! I might or not might post a picture of Honwee's bald head, like the entire head. LOL. MIGHT. (how plain evil right, using Honwee to boost my followers count)

Just in case you miss Honwee,
he says camp is quite chill now. He even attended a talk for 3 hours (yawn), but I guess today consist a bit more action for him because he got to swim. He hasn't call me yet, but assured me that he might be able to talk to me every night for this week. Not sure about the next, but I'm happy with how well he is adapting in camp... for now.
Monday, March 10, 2014
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(Lights @ Bishan Park)



 I feel very gay every time I 'over miss' Honwee. I got really tired of watching myself mull over not being able to be with Honwee for 3 weeks (19 days, so it doesn't sound too much)! It really is not that bad, really. In the process of buying polaroid films, a blank notebook, sharpies, re-paint my really ugly nails and getting together a holiday check list! Prolly gonna follow some crazy shit korean drama!! For now... I need to get my buttocks up, and my life back together.

Goodbye, my favourite botak

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As of 8 am today, I've officially promoted/demoted (perspective, I guess) to The NS Girlfriend. I spent the last weekend with the pre-botak. It was okay on Saturday, I managed to push any thoughts about army to the back of my mind. We idle for the longest time ever at the park, playing with lights and dogs.

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However on Sunday, when we were out, I would giggle and out of sudden start sobbing because I'm really convinced that I will never find another person like Honwee, not even as a friend. It was nonetheless a good date because he would say something really amusing and I would start giggling again. It went on for awhile until he had to send me back home. I think I cried a good long hour, and all Honwee did was pat me until I tired enough to sleep, and brave enough to walk him to the gate. I would not post any picture of Honwee because he shaved his head on Sunday. AND if you are really so eagle to see his bald head, you can meet him yourself. Stop leeching off from me. 

My world is all about me again, and this time I am going to make as much (positive) changes as possible before Honwee comes home from his first book out. 

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See you in 19 days, botak! :) 

Angel

Sunday, March 2, 2014

I met a little boy at H's BBQ yesterday, 

little angel caught my heart almost immediately. When I first talked to Ray, or when Ray first talked to me, he told me "When I first saw you at the buffet, you were so tall!!!! Why are you so tall? Oh, oh, I'm the boy who kept going to get ice-creams, I even topped my vanilla ice-cream on coffee!" I loved his innocence and his non-stop chatter. 

I always thought 10 year olds are full of themselves, thinking they are all grown up, but little Ray rejected my H0 (thumbs up for the hypothesis testing reference *geek*). I guess Ray is not the kid that misbehaves on purpose. We were playing murderer, and I showed him my card like I always did before every round starts. He looked really carefully and exclaimed "oh!! now I know who is the police!" giving my identity away immediately. I had to eat wasabi for that round :( 

Also Ray likes to ask me questions, btr than 80% of the askers from ask.fm I would say. He asked "Are you saliva-conscious?", I told him no and he, being really concerned asked "Why? What if somebody is sick?". I bet if somebody on askfm asked me that same question, he/she would reply "Slut, you like kissing everybody". *glares at you through my macbook*. 

I made effort to give him a full satisfactory explanation every time he asked me a questions because I remember very vividly that by rejecting to answer a kid would hurt his creativity. I hope he never stops, and grow up to be a remarkable man I know he would be. I miss little Ray already :( 

 

Year 1 Finals

Saturday, March 1, 2014
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(Meticulously written notes cr: @behindVanessa)

I wrote a whole chunk of nonsense and deleted it away. Decided that I don't have to document every part of my life. It has been stressful week, but it's going to end soon.

P/s: Honwee is going to army soon!