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Monday, December 29, 2014

H and I went ahead with camping on Friday despite the rain - tents are waterproof right? We were really late on registering for camping permit so our area was quite a distance from where our bus stops. We walked till the sun sets only to find out that the rain was seeping through the tent. Cocoa was behaving really oddly, I guess the dog was worn out by all the travelling and we had to send a SOS out to H's family.

They came and rescue us like a search party, and got us back home under our safe and snuggly shelter. It was still really awesome.

During the entire trip, we only stopped for dinner. Which was really our only activity for the day... if you exclude walking a few parks away to our camp site.

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Look at Cocoa staring at my food.


Thank-you for being the nanny of the day, carrying Cocoa and building the tent in the rain.


Friday, December 26, 2014
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I always thought it was cliché when parents tell their child that they are perfect. When I laid eyes on Ashley everything changed. I touched her puffy little cheeks and wished they would never go away. I hope she will never hate her eyes like I did when I was younger. How silly. It made me special, it makes us special.

Never will I want to go on a day knowing that you are sad, depressed or lonely. I'd wish the world for you. Daddy had made many life changes for you, little one. "He is a changed man", my grandmother told me. I hope you will grow up well and will never have a chance to experience what I have been through.
"I know we are different, but deep inside us, we are not that different at all"

Let the good times roll


It's not easy to love somebody with a death wish. I lost count on the number of times you stood by your phone just in case I sneak my last goodbye. All those times you rush to pack and come over just because I do not have the strength to carry on. You know it does not matter that I was happy an hour before. You know and you understand. Or at least you try.

What I have is not something I can change, but you know I am trying. You cannot fully comprehend what is happening, but you try. If things get tough and it's harder for me to breathe, you would bring me home and watch me sleep. You will jump at any sudden movement and told me to slap you awake if anything unpleasant happens.

I am not sure how long more I have to endure this, but I am really glad to have you going through it with me. You are the only person I do not have to explain the scars and wounds around my wrist. You are the only person who focus not what I have done to myself, but how I can break free. An hour ago I was thinking about dying again, but this time I am not so sure I want it anymore. It is not a big deal, but it is a step. Thank-you, love. Thank-you.


Friday, December 19, 2014
IMG_1213 How long more do you have. You have been chewing that treat for an hour now. I want to hug you, but you are really busy.

Every close friend that I've lost

Wednesday, December 17, 2014
She was my first best friend. I was 12. I was very tall for my age, and so was she. Actually she was older. She had boobies, periods and quite a bit of money. She was really cool to me. All 12 year olds were making one of the biggest decision of their lives following their PSLE results. "I am going to Anderson", she told me really quietly. I didn't reply, but I put that in as my first choice. It didn't bother me that I have to go through an additional year if I picked Anderson. I wanted to go where she was going.

I got into Anderson, but she didn't make it. She explained that her aunt made her choose another school. I was left to Anderson, alone. We lost contact and only met up several years later to find that we were already so far off in frequency, even bob couldn't fix it.

I talked to her first. "You want to use that?" Actually... I am glad I did. CN was the only person that gave me a friendship closest to what Blair and Selena has (Gossip Girls) - minus the part where they slept with each other's bfs, of course. We did really crazy things together, things too crazy for an average 13 y/o. I loved her, it was unhealthy, but she kept feeding me what I needed. We lied to our parents, got our boyfriends together and would go on double dates to the furthest places you know existed in Singapore. I was never cool, but she was never bored of me.

We went to a vacation once, and everything was gone. We had the biggest argument ever, and it was over. There was no need to tell anybody, they knew. Till this day, nobody asked what happened, they just knew it was gone. I cried.

She is the sweetest person on Earth, or so it seems. Maybe she still is. I don't know. We hung out a lot at one point of time and she kept saying things like, "omg you're so cool" or "omg, you're so good at this!" Losing CN was a bit of a hit, so I did a lot of things I knew I wouldn't have done just to impress her. I didn't keep her entertained for long anyway, we just stopped talking. People kept asking "what happened?" and it hurts so much to reply "I really don't know". One day, she told me she was going to stop going to tuition with me, and I threw it all out at her. We haven't talk since.

He was like a brother I never had. He would coax me to study when I'm throwing a fit. I am not the easiest friend to be with, but he took care of me anyway. He would buy me my favourite snacks and drinks.

And then, he fell in love with me. I was going to lose him, I knew it. I cried. "I wish that I can just love him, I wish that I can be with him, but I don't see it. I can't see myself walking down the aisle to bear his children. I can't see it." For the rest of the year, even when it broke my heart, I was the meanest person ever. I told him I don't want to sit at the table next to his, that I don't want to speak with him. I met the love of my life after a month or so (most of my friends know him as JC boy, but you, I think you all know him as H), and it was just too painful to even watch. We could all be studying at the same area, but when I whatsapped him a question he would reply "why don't you ask JC boy". I cried. Several times. Even when I was with H, I cried.

"I should just be with him"

Maybe he was not a close friend. I am contemplating whether or not he is on the list. I mean, maybe we were never meant to be that good of a friend, but I have always held him close to my heart. We used to always tell inappropriate jokes in class and would do imaginary modelling gigs, we were each other's biggest fan. When we received our 'O' level results, he disappeared. Nobody heard about him. Well, at least not everybody. On his birthday, I left him a Facebook message. I told him that I care. He contacted me once again and we went out a few times together.

The last time we went out together. He wouldn't speak to me. It was forced and awkward, I tried to humour him with one of our many dirty jokes and he wouldn't reciprocate. I stopped talking to him. I stopped reaching out to people altogether.

She was the light of my life. I loved her. I honestly did. We would dance, and talk about our non-existent boobs. I'd tell her everything, I'd text her all day and think about going out with her all night. We would go out and pretend that we were celebrities. We were having issues with our exes at that point of time, but we were each other's strength. To be more accurate. She was my strength. I threw my phone in the living room and went to bed. She couldn't do it. She called him.

Once she got back together with her ex-bf we hardly met, we didn't talk much and even when she did meet me, she would be upset over a fight etc. I let it drag so long, because I honestly could not let it go. She was like CN all over again. She told me that I was being overly possessive, that she could never fill my appetite. I let it dragged so long even H couldn't watch it any further. "Stop letting her hurt you, stop letting her come back to you only to leave you. Stop."


Tuesday, December 16, 2014

Shaky hands and untamed thoughts. I said "I love you" until it lost its original meaning. I am going to say it again anyway. I am in too good a position to move out of my comfort zone now. Don't do this to me.

Random thought

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Is it weird if I tell you that.... we look somewhat alike?

Now that's a holiday

Monday, December 15, 2014
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Honwee was bubbly and excited the entire morning. "This is the BEST you can get from clubs". It was fun, for a few hours. I got really tired of it - mainly because I slept only at 7am that same morning.

Photo Dec 14, 11 14 59 PMI made Honwee leave at 230am when he kind of wanted to catch Steve Angello. I am sorry. I kept apologising. I do not think I get it, the music gets really high and then to an abrupt stop? And.... this girl almost burnt me with her cigarette, her friend had to pull her away. It was scary.

I really like the airbrush tattoo tho.

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I feel like a celebrity because Honwee always had my back and would push people away when they are too close to me. "Princess Crystal needs her space to breathe, hello, move it."  No, he did not say that. He did elbow and push people away though. I genuinely don't think clubbing is fun for couples? Basically H spent the entire night protecting me from people, getting in and out of the crowd and making sure that I suffer no cigarette burns. We could be breaking our voices at TH.

It was fun, nevertheless, for a one-time experience.


Saturday, December 13, 2014

I put on my dress and layers of layers of make-up only to take them all off again.
It is my last paper for the year and I don't want to look pretty. I want to go to school with dark eye circles, messy bed hair and pimples. I wear them like badges of honour.

To the sleep I have missed, the panic I have felt and the mental torture I put myself through day-in, day-out. I am glad I am able to make peace with my previous results and get back on my feet again.


Wednesday, December 10, 2014

Two more papers to kill before I charge towards my imaginary horizon of freedom. I forgot its Steak Day today - who still remembers their monthsaries anyway? Anyhow, as by tradition, we are going to have our beef. Cheese burger or Astons' Ribeye - depending on our wallets!

I wish the holidays are NOW.

Oh, and that's Cocoa looking like a beast. Looks like she is recovering well from the previous yeast infection - hope its all good news at the Vet this Friday!

"I am here, I am here with you"

Wednesday, December 3, 2014
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but how many times can you play knight?